Today's attitude is solitude, and I'm finding it in the crowd. I look like a cross between Koresh and Jerusalem, bald-headed, dog-tagged, and Adama-rimmed, tapping away on a machine that'll go dead 60 seconds after my last tap. At a wedding the best way to blend in is to stand out; the same is true for DMV's and here, the public library.
No one trusts a smiling face, not a young one. The smile I reserve for customers isn't welcome here. It's a smile kids are taught to distrust, to automatically assume is a trick. I'm not looking for my cat or directions, I just want to say "hi" and keep you at ease... but I guess my actions are counterintuitive. To make everyone else feel normal I have to be distant. I have to not care. I have to want my own privacy, lay out my books and bag like I'm claiming territory. I'm supposed to log on and tune out. I have check MySpace and YouTube, and maybe if I'm unlucky enough, be the careless public pervert you want me to be--because that's familiar. That's the cliche.
I'm not allowed to smile for its own sake, or because I'm happy and can't help it. No, psychology, theatre, law, they all tell you that I want something. Can it be because I want you to smile too? Is that too pedestrian? Too predictable? Not interesting? Choices don't have to be interesting or extreme to be true.
Now these lips are parallel to the floor, my eyes question, and every action I take looks suspicion. Is that better?
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Let's do this.
Exactly. Thanks, Elaine.
1 comment:
:) <-- (i lost my cat and i need directions)
Re: below
I know what you mean when you describe life coming at you in shapes and colors. I like to think of time as gears. The now gear determines the future, but the future also determines the now, in a way. Isn't it true that we can look backwards to see how we got to where we are? So if we like where we are, I figure we'll like where we're going.
The future is already there, and we'll end up there too. And just like their denial of a friendly smile, the people in the South Bay seem to deny the present of any joy or fulfillment!
I also figure my life is similar to the way I write--there is not much of a plot (lucky if there's any), but the characters are fantastic :)
Anyhow, your blog just begs for preachy comments! So that is my contribution. Keep up the good work!
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