There's No Place Like Home

Not for me.

I haven't said a word aloud in the past twelve hours. There's no reason to, no other person here. Scratch that--there's a cat, whom I've been petting and occasionally been calling "...baby..." but other than that, it's thoughts barely thought before being tapped out of a keyword. These moments are my most truthful, like word associations--but to actions and thoughts, not necessarily other words.

These are the moments I've missed, couldn't account for or witness in friends. Of course I couldn't; how can I experience living alone when I'm with others? How do I experience stasis, the feeling of "now what?" I'm such a joiner--all my favorite things involve other people. I gave up on life--it became so hopeless for ten minutes when everybody I wanted to hang with was either occupied or weird with me.

It has to be present in my mind that no matter how much tension I garner or accrue from and with other people, those same somebodies are my happiness, my ports in the storms I seem to run across everyday. It's the same people who grate on me who think I'm great. Biggest supporters are easily the biggest enemies. Caring, being "in to it" is the hardest quality to invoke in someone, and often those feelings don't die, just transform and express themselves in different ways. The enmity I may feel for Ex's used to be love, and may still be love, only I'm not allowed to explicitly love that person so I have to find another way to show them attention--and enmity is social norm.

I can't make this. I can't make a room into a home. I never learned, and I don't know if I will. I feel like I'm being forced into writing with my other hand. I hate how Monica made me feel pitiful--I've felt it before, being told I lacked a personal quality that I didn't know was important to have, let alone know was important. Homebuilding, I have no idea where to start, even though I think it, like parenting or being a good friend should be intuitive. You either have it or not.

But that is defeatist. That is an absolute mindset, purposely giving myself no options. I don't want to look it up in a book because that's admitting the truth: I don't know what to do. I only how to cover my own ass, and in that, I only do it half as well. I think for my life to continue forward I have learn to live right with my left hand, to be well-versed in the reverse of what I've been living. I have to be open to building a home with someone else and not shell up and find refuge in ignorance. I can't be afraid to be the guy whose afraid.

Maybe... I'll get a cat.