"Short Term" Defined

Small cycles, short stories--sometimes it feels like my life is that one episode you catch of a show that you don't watch, but still manage to see that one episode.

My grandmother was back in the hospital, and despite the optimistic estimation of the doc, she's not going to live three to six months, it's going to be those numbers in days. I still can't see her; I'm sick, and I can run the risk of catching or transmitting anything with her. Her "Pancreatic Infection" is her wish manifested--to be back with her husband and not living a life she's not enjoying. Maybe... two days. I give myself two days. I'm not trying to delay visiting her. I'm not afraid of her death--in fact I'm pretty settled that she's gone on to something better.

It's a lot like the hand dealt to me yesterday. I've worked 10-14 hours days all this week, but it hasn't been enough. My job requires 50+ hours of non-cafe shift duties and I haven't had a chance to do any of it. Either I'm sick, or someone else is sick, or someone quits and then I'm working again in the cafe or doing my best to do nothing else but rest. I can't "delegate" because most of the tasks I want to spread take as much time explaining as they do doing. It takes as much time writing e-mails as it does to do the tasks I say I'm going to do in them. And everyone needs to know--which isn't the problem, because I think everyone should know--but FUCK, between smiling all the time and running myself ragged, I get texts from friends who want to rub in the fact that I don't text back and Damn it, why am I such a shitty friend? I've fought the idea of a 9-to-5 job because I thought it would be to confining--or rather, DEFINING. I didn't want to be defined by my job. But, as Aristotle points out, "We are what we frequently do." I know I'm not the Joker, but I've been walking like him. If I keep it up, it'll stick as my walk. So, if I spend my waking eight as a self-styled unappreciated manager then by-golly, I AM that unappreciated manager, and all my actions will read as that. Or, I can take up the offer and take a step back and be... well, what would I become?

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." - Batman, The Dark Knight

Take two sums. The first is the difference in pay between manager and not-manager. The second sum is the value I place on my happiness (it's intangible, but play along).

If the first sum, A, is greater than the second sum, B, then I should stay on as manager. It would be "worth it." But! if the the second sum is greater than the first sum, well hell, I should willingly step aside and be un-manager.

My happiness is worth much more than $200.00.

Make no mistake: I willingly took on the job... two months ago, and this sequence of events, after the initial shock, isn't totally surprising. I haven't fulfilled all of my Must-Do's; from an outside prospective, especially one from the owners stand point, I would have tried to give the current manager (i.e., me) more support rather than change horses midstream. Not only is it surprising, it shows a lack of faith on their part, an unwillingness to "stick out through the rough spots," and only serves to perpetuate the company's reputation for discontinuity.

Whatever. I will train my replacement. I will have my strengths utilized.

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I've been urged to do NaNoWriMo this year. I've been told to "do the things I wouldn't normally write about." I guess Barista Jones' Diary is out of the question, yeh?