Not Good Enough

The dream took place in a classroom. Dr. Owren (who went by Ms. Chambers), was running movies and answering questions for singer, musical theater, and general actor 20-year old's. The board listed the performance, Cathedral of Faith 7-10 PM, the one we were collectively killing time to see. Melissa Tom was there critiquing Meloskovo Buskeweitz (aka Paul) and his wife's last performance. I saw some lady from Elementary school.

This dream is a nutshell of my past that I've forgotten. Maybe on purpose. I received a Myspace message from a girl I used to call a best friend, but forgot why we stopped being friends. That happens a lot, that forgetfullness. I'm quick to blame myself--I know how much of a dick, how quick I was to burn a bridge. I stopped friendship with people who embodied too many of my bad qualities, to whom I offended but didn't know how to apologize. I stopped being friends with people when the drama was like an inbox jammed with unread messages. I was overwhelmed and wanted to start over.

The dream is also full of things I don't do anymore that once I might have pursued. Dr. Owren directed a choir that began to explore my voice, but I couldn't see where it would eventually lead to, so I stopped. Ms Chambers was my Freshmen Honors English teacher; I read my first Shakespeare and Euripides in that class, but haven't explored either author much more since. I don't have a desire to act on a stage, sing on a stage or even go to school. It sounds awful, but my life is lived thusly: "I'm going to keep doing something until something better comes along."

Is that any different than what everybody else does? Don't we continue to live until the need to reinvent, rejuvenate, refresh, or remove ourselves from a life? That message I received is a reminder of antics that I totally forgot about. If you asked me about high school, I would have told you "that unlike other people, my experience was awesome." For the most part, I agree. High School was like four years of probation: everybody expects you to fuck up, so you try things mainly for the sake of trying them. Mostly it sucks, but you learn that it sucks, first hand, so you acquire a sense of knowing that far exceeds anything learned from even the most reliable second-hand information.

I believe that the past catches up with you. I believe in cycles, and things left undone will be done. People you left behind, people who have things left unsaid. That message is one of those things.

This isn't independent of will. People may reappear, like second chances, by the choice to fully reintroduce them into your life is a wholly different matter. Did I read the message? Yes. Will I "friend" them? I don't know. I'm way optimistic about life, and think that people can change--I have.

But... friend them?

Sorry--I just spent 20 minutes looking at this person's page. There's a part of me thats thinking "if I don't friend him I'm being a hypocrite about 'change' misjudging and prejudging another person's ability to improve himself. The basic question I have to ask is one of magnitude: does this person have a positive influence on my life?" I don't know the answer to that question. Judging from past experiences the answer is no. I don't want to make a quick dismissal, but I also don't want to be swayed into casual "friending." People often take advantage of situations because of an underlying fear of loss--lost opportunities, money, connections. What underlies all of my actions is comfort. Do I feel comfortable having this person in life again, however minute or trite? The answer is a decided no.

Forget it. DENY.