Let's not post this to Facebook

This is lousy. I feel so out of sorts.

I left for a weekend of commitment and came back so rejuvenated for coffee. I wanted more of that competition experience: being around other coffee people, drinking it, living it. I came back with the notion that I could diffuse that feeling into my work but I've hit nothing but walls.

I understand my role in this company is explicitly NOT fun. It's rigmarole. It's stuff that has to get done so that other things can get done. My problem is that while I have voiced how much it drains me and takes up my time, I'm either the only one who volunteers to do it, sees it as a necessity, or is best at it. And yes I get how my groundwork allows others to do their work and how it is all for the good of the coffee but I can't help but feel worse than a cog. I feel like an unglorified Atlas. I feel like the bandages keeping his hands from chafing, the thinnest of layers between supporting the globe and protecting the hand that shoulders the weight.

It's sometimes like a shit sandwich in here.

I came back feeling rejuvenated but functionally unnecessary, out of place, and holding everybody back. I'm not even a great barista.

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I know that I write here because I want to share how I feel without actually walking up to someone and saying, "Hey, do you have a minute? I want to tell you how I feel." It's a courage and timing thing; I have neither, and definitely not both at the same time. As of this moment, I'm a big frakking mess.