Revelation

All these late nights that despite my thinking better of it, they are addictions. It's not just a need to unwind, but when my day revolves around a very loving girlfriend, an attention hoarding day job, and a night job that is constantly at its unfunnest point, I realize that I am experiencing all of the things that I want.

The jobs, girlfriend, I have very realistic expectations of their time commitments, and still I commit myself to them. What I am doing in the middle of the night on Wikipedia, on YouTube, is looking for something to amuse me. I'm looking for novelty.

I surround myself and purposely make decisions to set my life in a certain way and then I agonize and loose sleep trying to break the mold.

I told myself and many others that I wanted to start running a game at my house: again, molding my life to have time commitments in addition to other already established commitments. I don't know if this is self-destructive or if this is something everyone does.

To top it off, I irregularly have a recurring dream of a time in my life that I thought I didn't regret, and accepted as had happened, but the resulting feeling of this dream, as I wake up, IS regret.

I don't know. I know it's a good thing that I understand why I stay up so late all the time. I could consider holding myself to so many relationships. Maybe be more open. I do what I want anyway, and I still uphold Quality Sleep as a worthwhile goal--but I also know you can't ever "make up" for lost sleep. "Lost Sleep" cuts into my time to enjoy things in the future. I don't actually gain back anything, I just loose out on future endeavors.

Why would any one do that to him or herself?